When fried eggs attack

If you're wondering about the title of this story, or how you can be attacked by your breakfast, let me warn you that eggs are not as harmless and innocent sitting in that frying pan as they want you to believe.

I was frying an egg for breakfast. This is something that I have done many times before and have always thought it to be something of a fairly innocuous event. Because I did not think I needed to be on guard, I was also talking on the phone. The egg saw that it could use this to its advantage and took action.

Out of nowhere I heard a loud pop and as I turned toward the sound to investigate, I was hit in the face! As I turned away from the pan in shock and pain, I was hit again in the arm! I didn't know what was happening at first and then realized that I was being attacked by my egg! I had to take action, but I didn't know what to do first. I had hot egg searing into the skin on my face and arm that had to be removed but I also had to get the egg off the stovetop before it could send off another round of ammunition.

I ignored the pain in my arm and on my face while I took the pan off the stove. I then rubbed the egg off my face and arm. However, I could also feel that I was rubbing skin off. I ran to the bathroom to view the damage and begin medical treatments. I don't know what degree burns I actually had, but I looked like I was branded in a cattle line-up. I had a rectangular brand burned into my face and arm! I treated both with burn salve and hoped neither would leave too bad of a scar. The one on the face didn't, that God. The one on my arm is there as a constant reminder of a morning that will live in infamy in my mind forever.

Luckily I was able to get my revenge on the egg. I broke into the yoke, tore it apart and ran my bagel through it just to make sure it and all the other eggs in the carton would know who was boss around here. Hopefully they learned their lesson and no other egg will every try anything funny again. Just to be sure, I will be on guard tomorrow morning when I fry the next one up.....or maybe I'll just make scrambled eggs instead?

The Killer Cockroach

Recently one morning, I was standing at my kitchen sink and caught a shadow moving across the floor from the refrigerator to the stove. It quickly disappeared under the stove. I thought it was a mouse and, although I was not happy about the idea, I quickly decided to ignore it since I had to get ready for work and it was already gone from view.

While I went back to setting up my morning coffee, it came back out from under the stove and scurried back behind the refrigerator. This time I was able to see that it was not a mouse but the biggest roach in the history of roaches. It really did look like a small mouse! I grabbed a can of bug spray from under the sink and sprayed under and behind the fridge. I assumed it would die back there and tried once again to put it out of my mind.

However, it came running out again while I was standing at the sink, rinsing dishes. It ran along the floor board and I had to jump back to get out of it’s way. It was moving way too fast to do anything else and, I wasn’t going to let it run over my feet. It went up the wall and into the cabinets before I could even realize what it was doing. It was so large that I could actually hear it's feet moving across the cabinet floor! At this point my heart was racing and I was beginning to panic, but I told myself it would die in there and I could get it later.

After a few minutes of listening to it shuffling around in the cabinet, it came running out again and went across the floor behind the trash can. I pulled back the trash can and saw that it had a white coating on it. This showed me it had gotten a good dose of bug spray earlier, but that didn’t seem to phase it at all. As I tried to spray it again, it jumped from the trash can to the wall and was hanging on by two legs. When the blast of bug spray hit it, it flew at me and I had to jump back while screaming. It ran back to the cabinet and stopped under one of the dog’s chew toys.

I was frozen with fear and could not believe I was having a battle with a cockroach in my own kitchen at 6:40 in the morning. This was obviously not going to be a good day. I had to think of a way to kill this monster. I carefully walked past it to the laundry room and got my broom out. I had to walk back past it again and stood back as far as I could, using the broom stick to reach out and move the dog toy out of the way. As soon as I moved the toy, the roach began trying to get away. I started beating it with the broom but could not kill it. I was hitting it and screaming and it was shuffling around the floor. Parts of my broom started flying off and landing all over the kitchen. I was not sure if the broom was going to outlast the roach in this battle. Eventually, I flipped the roach on it’s back and since it was tired out, it didn’t move.

Throwing the broom to the side, I got a paper towel to throw on the roach so I could smash it. Now my fear was that it would use the paper towel as leverage to turn itself over again, so I also grabbed the largest cookbook I had. Now with one hand on the paper towel and one on the cook book , I readied myself for the next phase in this great battle. I quickly threw the paper towel on the bug while simultaneously smashing down the cookbook. The roach was smashed under the book, but had shifted forward so that part of it’s body and it’s antennas were sticking out and it was still moving!

After grabbing a second paper towel, I quickly removed the book, dropped the second towel to cover it’s head and dropped the book again. This time I stepped on the book for good measure. When I removed the book, the bug was finally dead but smeared in bits all over the floor. I had to clean off my cookbook and the floor, throw the bug in the trash and put the pieces of my broken broom back together. Then I was able to make breakfast, get dressed, get my son ready for school and begin my day.

And all of this before having my morning cup of coffee!!

Have you ever peed on a frog?

Have you ever peed on a frog? Well I have, but didn't expect it. It probably wasn't what the frog was expecting either to be fair. One night I was getting ready for bed and the last thing I was going to do was pee.

I don't usually make it a habit to check in the toilet bowl before sitting down because normally the only inventory there is to take is toilet bowl water. All things were normal until I went to flush. As I turned and reached for the handle to flush, my eyes ran across the toilet bowl and I noticed a rather large eyeball staring up at me from the right rear side of the bowl. My heart lurched and stopped in mid-beat. I am terrified of spiders, so my first reaction was to pray, "Please don't be a spider.". As I said my prayer over and over, I looked closer and noticed that the owner of the eyeball was a large frog!

I had many thoughts running through my head all at once. What was a frog doing in my toilet? How did a frog get in my toilet? Thank God it didn't jump on my butt while I was peeing! What would I have done if it had jumped on my butt while I was peeing? How do I get it out of my toilet? Oh my God, what do I do now?

I got a plastic grocery store bag and tried to grab it using the bag as a glove. The frog mashed itself up under the rim of the toilet where the water streams out and I could not reach it. I tried flushing several times and that didn't flush it out. I finally closed the lid and went to bed because it was getting late and I had to work in the morning. I decided I would just use the other bathroom from now on and let the frog live in that one.

When I went to work the next day, I told the custodial staff about my problem and they were more than willing to help because they thought the frog was in my classroom toilet. They came prepared like a team out of Ghostbusters: Wearing gloves up to their elbows and carrying brooms and pails ready to do battle with my evil frog villain. After explaining the frog was at my house, one of the custodians offered to come and get it for me.

When the custodian arrived, my frog was nowhere to be found. The fearless custodian felt all around the toilet rim, but the frog had vanished into thin air. He told me if it came back to call and he'd come right away. I even cleaned the bowl to get rid of all the evil frog germs he had left behind. I kept the lid closed to be safe and went about my evening.

A few hours later I was sitting on my bed watching TV when I began to hear a thumping noise coming from my bathroom. I crept in and carefully peeked into my shower – there was no frog. I slowly lifted the toilet lid and looked around the bowl but did not see a frog. . . until I looked straight down in front of me, there was the frog looking right up at me! I think the frog and I both screamed as I slammed the lid down and called the custodian back.

He and another friend came right back over. He tried to grab the frog with a plastic bag in the same manner I had the previous night but the frog went up into the rim again. They used a metal stick, mirror and flashlight to force the frog out. All of the sudden the frog leaped over them and was hopping all around the bathroom floor! It hopped across the towel table and out the door into my bedroom!

The two men were tripping over one another trying to catch it as it hopped through my room. It finally made it's way under my bed where my cat was sleeping.
My amazing wonder cat never moved as a frog and two grown men crawled all around her. The frog hopped to the other side of my bed and to the top of my nightstand. He then found his way on to my bed and my pillows! Each time the men would try to catch him, he would hop to a new location, keeping one hop ahead the whole time.

Finally, he hopped from my pillow to the wall where one of the men was able to trap him with the plastic bag, sliding it around his body, capturing him – amazingly unharmed.

We put him in a container with some grass and water and I released him the next day at work so that he would not be able to find his way back into my toilet. However, I cannot sit on a toilet now without checking it out first to make sure there is no one looking up at me.